NagiCross

So, with Wolf posting his pictures and others doing their arty things, Rob and his music and Krys and his biz, I wanted to put up some of the stuff I've done. So I found a site and posted a story I worked on a few months ago and kinda dropped. I wasn't sure about any of it, especially the use of third. I like my persons in first much more. Also, ignore the weird thing I tried to do with the commas, it's painful.

 

http://www.booksie.c...cross/chapter/1

 

Don't expect much from me.

I think the first chapter is really weak. I'm not sure if this is how you meant to portray her, but after the first chapter, my view of Gloria was that she was a spoiled brat. She's got everything she could ever want, she lives a comfortable life. The man she's getting married to, other than being described as the king of beastmen, isn't described as being abusive, mean, or corrupt. She wants the life of adventure(to the point of selling away her virginity without a second thought?), wouldn't she get that living with the king of beasts?

 

Otherwise I think you got a good thing going.

I on the other hand am hooked by the first chapter. The TV thing and modern language kind throw me a off some, but the humor pulls me back in. In Gloria's place, I would have done the exact same thing. Rather than be a captive for the rest of my life, sold for the petty whims of thoughtless (and in the beast king's case, horny, pun not intended) adults, I would be a slave for a year and then find my own path. I admit I probably don't value my virginity as much as she does, yet if she wants freedom and adventure half as much as I do, I understand perfectly why she does what she does.
Nagi pleases me as a character thus far, and I'm looking forward to reading the rest you have up. On a sidenote, how do you pronounce Nagi?

I think the first chapter is really weak. I'm not sure if this is how you meant to portray her, but after the first chapter, my view of Gloria was that she was a spoiled brat. She's got everything she could ever want, she lives a comfortable life. The man she's getting married to, other than being described as the king of beastmen, isn't described as being abusive, mean, or corrupt. She wants the life of adventure(to the point of selling away her virginity without a second thought?), wouldn't she get that living with the king of beasts?

 

Otherwise I think you got a good thing going.

 

Honestly, she was going to just be a plot device to kick start the war between the two big nations, driven by Nagi's desire for revenge. My two views of princesses, unless they're the warrior type, are the spoiled brat and the kind maiden. She's both. I do agree that she's a weak character, though. It would probably be better to go one way or the other with her. Maybe start her off as a spoiled, shortsighted girl who slowly sees the world around her.

 

 

I on the other hand am hooked by the first chapter. The TV thing and modern language kind throw me a off some, but the humor pulls me back in. In Gloria's place, I would have done the exact same thing. Rather than be a captive for the rest of my life, sold for the petty whims of thoughtless (and in the beast king's case, horny, pun not intended) adults, I would be a slave for a year and then find my own path. I admit I probably don't value my virginity as much as she does, yet if she wants freedom and adventure half as much as I do, I understand perfectly why she does what she does.
Nagi pleases me as a character thus far, and I'm looking forward to reading the rest you have up. On a sidenote, how do you pronounce Nagi?

 

Mmm, if you're actually going to read the rest, I don't want to spoil it by explaining why TV and stuff has made its way into the world. Nagi even slips up and talks about guns and such at some point.

 

Nagi would be pronounced Naagee, I guess. It's a combination of the monster naga and Agni, the Hindu god of fire. I read a book on Hindu mythology before I started the story and put some thought into the character. Nagas are snake monster who feuded with the Garuda, big birds, thus Nagi's conflict with birds through the story. Agni is the immortal god made from fire, thus Nagi's tendency of not dying. I tried to made him reptilian, loves fried eggs and the heat of the desert. I don't know how well it came over.

 

Thanks for the feedback, guys. And thanks for reading.