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Low self esteem and confidence

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#1 RachelKyle

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Posted 28 July 2015 - 07:36 AM

Hi all

 

Just wondered if any of you guys can help me out. It's about confidence, or lack thereof.

 

My friend (like me!) is a big nerd, and so I thought this would be a good place to come.

He's signed up to some dating sites, but is struggling so much with his self esteem and confidence. I'm trying to help him get past it, but it's hard. I'm not cracking it. I don't suffer with this like him - we're quite different people.

He's himself with me and the close people in his life, but struggles to be his true self outside of that, particularly in the situation of dating. He's self conscious and thinks way too much about what people think of him. He likes things that a lot of other people don't like or get. He's even tried the nerd dating sites, but that still isn't tackling his underlying issues.

 

Do any of you guys have these issues and, if so, how do you deal with them? Any advice? Also, does anyone know of any related forums/pages/sites - particularly for nerds like us! - where you can share these thoughts and difficulties? 

Any help or advice would be great.

 

Cheers all.



#2 idk

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Posted 28 July 2015 - 11:41 AM

Different methods will work for different people, what may work for some here may not work for him.

 

I've got pretty damn low self esteem and little confidence, I haven't really found a way to mitigate it other than doing things that would help him improve his own self image (exercise helps for me, a healthy mind and healthy body very much go hand in hand.)

 

Counciling may be a good route for him to look into. It could be entirely possible that something in his past (serious bullying, abuse from parents, etc) could still be haunting him and he hasn't gotten past that yet.

 

Beyond that it really depends on the person and how they see themself.


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#3 Affray

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Posted 28 July 2015 - 01:43 PM

Way back when I was a wee lad I was super duper shy.

Social anxiety, nervous as hell in groups of people other than my friends, the works.

I got part way through high school and decided I didn't want to be that guy any more, so I just stopped.

Through massive amounts of effort and the realisation that worst case scenario I make an ass of myself at first, I started being way more outgoing and less timid.

 

When you present yourself as someone who is confident and fun, most people accept that at face value.

The more you pretend to be something, the more you start to actually become that thing.

Eventually you end up being outgoing and confident without trying to, it just becomes part of who you are.

The real bitch is jumping that first hurdle and breaking the old personality mould.


It is perfectly acceptable to fear and admire a being you could not possibly understand.


#4 idk

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Posted 28 July 2015 - 02:10 PM

^

 

He knows what he's talking about, he's one of our best for giving out sagely advice. It's a wonder he hasn't yet grown a 4 foot long white beard.


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#5 Affray

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Posted 29 July 2015 - 01:51 AM

^

 

He knows what he's talking about, he's one of our best for giving out sagely advice. It's a wonder he hasn't yet grown a 4 foot long white beard.

Maybe I do have a four foot long white beard, but only wear it when I need to lay down some wisdom.


It is perfectly acceptable to fear and admire a being you could not possibly understand.


#6 idk

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Posted 29 July 2015 - 01:59 AM

The beard is so wise it need only appear when the right moments come.

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#7 fae

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Posted 29 July 2015 - 03:52 AM

I can't really help... I don't really have social anxiety I just don't like people in general.


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#8 Grolli

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Posted 29 July 2015 - 05:46 AM

My oldest son is very introverted.  Social situations are very difficult for him.  Sounds like your friend.  Affray has the best way IMO.



#9 Mister Sympa

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Posted 01 August 2015 - 08:13 PM

Fake it 'til you make it, yo.


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#10 The Robstar

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Posted 06 August 2015 - 12:32 AM

Get him juiced up. Booze = No fucks given aka the confidence juice.


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#11 idk

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Posted 06 August 2015 - 03:59 AM

Get him juiced up. Booze = No fucks given aka the confidence juice.

Too bad alcohol is a depressant and can actually make confidence issues worse.


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#12 Affray

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Posted 06 August 2015 - 05:36 PM

Too bad alcohol is a depressant and can actually make confidence issues worse.

It can, but it also lowers inhibitions.

Which can often be the little push that someone needs to break out of their shell.

I know a few people that are normalish humans now after they got a little tipsy and realised that the only thing stopping them from chatting up anyone about anything was their own overactive mind filter.

 

I do not condone drinking constantly to be social, just to see if that is what makes someone ralise that they can in fact be social when they want to be.

Of course this doesn't work for everyone, but at the very least a few.


It is perfectly acceptable to fear and admire a being you could not possibly understand.


#13 idk

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Posted 06 August 2015 - 05:50 PM

Oh for sure, you're definitely not wrong. At times it does help me be more social and talkative. You're definitely right about it making it easier to recognize and ignore an overactive mental filter.

 

Other times though it can drop me into a way worse mental space. I don't drink very often because the latter usually happens unless I'm drinking socially. Probably because it keeps me distracted from thinking internally a lot.


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