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So my new boss sent out an email


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#1 SpleenBeGone

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Posted 28 July 2014 - 05:51 PM

Well, I guess technically it's my old boss with no go between. >.>

Anyways, he wants everyone to list their job duties on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. Now, my initial instinct was to just send something like "I fix things you can't figure out."

I figure that won't do though. Instead, I'm going to see how long of a list I can make with lots of technical jargon. So, nerdforumers, give me things to add to the list. Anything computer related, make it sound as technical as possible while still being true. 


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#2 DaRatmastah

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Posted 28 July 2014 - 06:16 PM

Calibrate and align ingoing and outgoing data ports while maintaining asynchronous transfer streams to all host processes on the local and wide area networks.



#3 idk

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Posted 28 July 2014 - 06:29 PM

feel free to use similar ones across different emails

 

Apply server-side hot-fixes to local based software for bug patching and long term testing.

Apply modifications to server HOST files on a regular basis

Ensure ongoing network sustainability and equalization, including monitoring inbound and outbound traffic on the local network between [computer name here] and [router/switch/hum name here]

Modification and management of files on the C:/ drive on [your computer name]

Modification and management of files on the D:/ [or other internal storage drives] on [computer name]

Modification and management of files on the F:/ [or other USB based storage] on [computer name]

Modification and management of files between [computer name] and [network storage name/location]

Modification of application settings and functions, including run time, error management, and manipulation.

Occasional/regular network observation and maintenance to insure consistent performance.

Regular use of Universal Serial Bus peripherals for the core purpose of insuring a functional and consistent user experience.

Regular use of Computer Virus Removal software (CVRS) to ensure network health and to prevent or remove infections from [computer name]

 

Your boss is practically begging to be trolled.

Oh god, I have more.

 

Monitoring [computer name] display devices for consistent output quality

Regular physical depression of mechanical finger based communication instrument


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#4 DeadChannel

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Posted 28 July 2014 - 09:36 PM

Remember that thing you put in why so serious? 

Exploits of an it guy who had no idea what the fuck he was doing?

Just send that to your boss.


I'm fearful, I'm fearful, I'm fearful of flying, and flying is fearful of me.

#5 Champion of Cyrodiil

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Posted 28 July 2014 - 10:46 PM

I use jira all day for everything.  Then just email the epic/project link whenever someone wants status.



#6 Krankykoala

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Posted 28 July 2014 - 11:20 PM

Ongoing prevention of invasion forces from the "Alliance" into key strategic and/or financially beneficial territories. ......err playing WoW half the day.

Edit: Or you could just say you beat up 12 year old's all day. Same difference.


First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out-- Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out-- Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out-- Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me-- and there was no one left to speak for me.


#7 Calvary

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Posted 29 July 2014 - 03:40 AM

Personal Network Resource Manager

Connectivity Fulfilment Maintenance Director

Local Network Connection and Enhancement Supervisory Executive

 

In my old job my official job title was something like; warehouse packaging operations technician or something. I preferred the title: 'box monkey'.


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#8 SpleenBeGone

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Posted 29 July 2014 - 07:51 AM

Found a quick list of things a system admin is supposed to do. Gotta expand on all of these and make them sound fancier. >.>

 

Support LANs, WANs, network segments, Internet, and intranet systems.
Maintain system efficiency.
Ensure design of system allows all components to work properly together.
Troubleshoot problems reported by users.
Make recommendations for future upgrades.
Maintain network and system security.
Analyze and isolate issues.
Monitor networks to ensure security and availability to specific users.
Evaluate and modify system's performance.
Identify user needs.
Maintain integrity of the network, server deployment, and security.
Ensure network connectivity throughout a company's LAN/WAN infrastructure is on par with technical considerations.
Design and deploy networks.
Perform network address assignment.
Assign routing protocols and routing table configuration.
Assign configuration of authentication and authorization of directory services.
Maintain network facilities in individual machines, such as drivers and settings of personal computers as well as printers.
Maintain network servers such as file servers, VPNgateways, intrusion detection systems.
Administer servers, desktop computers, printers, routers, switches, firewalls, phones, personal digital assistants, smartphones, software deployment, security updates and patches.

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#9 Akiyo

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Posted 29 July 2014 - 08:18 AM

The irony of this topic haha

 

Good Luck Spleeny :D

 

Although worry not, without you, your boss will run out of paper in the printer and go completely BONKERS.



#10 SpleenBeGone

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Posted 29 July 2014 - 08:25 AM

He might run out of ink first. >.>


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#11 Akiyo

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Posted 29 July 2014 - 11:50 AM

You're a highly valued member of his staff. No one else can take on such tasks of great importance! :D:D



#12 SushiKitten

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Posted 29 July 2014 - 11:54 AM

You're a highly valued member of his staff. No one else can take on such tasks of great importance! :D:D

It's is true though. After my work term with tech support, I learned it takes a certain kind of person to make a career of it, and for that I admire these people greatly. 



#13 SpleenBeGone

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Posted 29 July 2014 - 11:57 AM

You're a highly valued member of his staff. No one else can take on such tasks of great importance! :D:D

 

It's is true though. After my work term with tech support, I learned it takes a certain kind of person to make a career of it, and for that I admire these people greatly. 

I assume you mean patient enough not to beat someone with a keyboard? >.>


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#14 DeadChannel

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Posted 29 July 2014 - 01:57 PM

I assume you mean patient enough not to beat someone with a keyboard? >.>

I've always wanted to beat people -- in general -- with a keyboard :D


I'm fearful, I'm fearful, I'm fearful of flying, and flying is fearful of me.

#15 Affray

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Posted 29 July 2014 - 02:15 PM

I assume you mean patient enough not to beat someone with a keyboard? >.>

More like the sort who can smile and play nice when confronted with absolute stupidity, then go home and rant about it to their friends so they don't flip out and burn the place down.


It is perfectly acceptable to fear and admire a being you could not possibly understand.


#16 fae

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Posted 30 July 2014 - 09:19 AM

I really value the people from the IT team at my work.. I mean why would I crawl under the desk myself to check if the LAN cable is actually plugged in and instead just tell the IT apprentice my internet doesn't work?!  ^_^


Et j'aime la nuit écouter les étoiles. C'est comme cinq cent millions de grelots. - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry


#17 SpleenBeGone

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Posted 31 July 2014 - 06:21 AM

Job Responsibility breakdown

 

Note: The majority of job tasks are performed on an as needed basis. Frequency is determined by software rollouts, third party upgrades errors and changes, end user performance, errors, and the general state of technology as used by the world.

 

Yearly Tasks

Maintain Microsoft Service Pack updates, installation and troubleshooting for all eligible computer systems.

Ensure all hardware is within generally accepted standards of computing and upgrade if needed.

Server cleaning and maintenance; Shutdown, dust removal, fan check, etc.

Monthly Tasks

Review of AT&T services provided for cell phones, 7 local network phones at the 5201 location, and Cradlepoint internet provided to our Tidal Road and Stolthaven facilities.

Ensure services are provided as promised by the above, updating phones as necessary to keep an up to date cellular network as well as ensuring that misuse of phones does not occur and data usage for Cradlepoint routers stays below data caps to prevent overage charges.

Ensure cloud based services and backup for Peachtree Accounting and other services are working properly to prevent data loss in the event of a catastrophic failure.

Check and reset network logging to clear the cache and node memory on switches, modems, and wireless access points to ensure optimum performance.

Daily Tasks

Calibrate and align ingoing and outgoing data ports while maintaining asynchronous transfer streams to all host processes on the local and wide area networks.

Ensure ongoing network sustainability and equalization, including monitoring inbound and outbound traffic on the local network between workstation computers and local modem, router, and RJ-45 switches as well as connection to outside wide area network.

Management of network tools, including Quality of Service (QoS) software to prevent bottlenecks and ensure smooth communication throughout the network to maintain maximum data transfer speeds. Currently 100Mbit/s locally with 50Mbit/s downlink and 10Mbit/s uplink to outside communication.

Perform general troubleshooting to fit user needs. This can be anything from replacing peripheral components to replacing ink and toner.

 

As needed Tasks

Apply server-side hot-fixes to local based software for bug patching and long term testing.

Apply modifications to server and client side HOST files on a regular basis.

Modification of application settings and functions, including run time, error management, and manipulation to continue to conform to modern standards of computing.

Regular network observation and maintenance of local network, workstations, phone systems, and laptops to insure consistent and acceptable performance.

Regular use of virus removal and protection tools to prevent infection on workstations, server, and general network hardware.

Removal of adware, spyware, computer viruses and general malware should a computer get infected.

Perform Network and MAC address assignment for all devices on the local network

Ensure runtimes, web browsers, and document handlers are up to date with the latest security and content patches.

Create graphic work for posters, labels, advertising, etc. both for the company and as good will operations for Trey employers.

Designing and creating proximity/RFID access cards and tags for the office security system.

General database control, updating and optimizing for the above stated access cards.

General maintenance on LAN based phone system to provide continued smooth use, proper call forwarding, and FAX connectivity.

Install new / rebuild existing servers and configure hardware, peripherals, services, settings, directories, storage, etc. in accordance with standards and project/operational requirements.

Other unspecified troubleshooting and brainstorming.

Also I bring cookies.


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#18 Akiyo

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Posted 31 July 2014 - 07:20 AM

Tell us how that goes. Looks mighty impressive :D GOOD JOB FOLKS

 

 

WAIT! Hold up. COOKIES!?


Edited by Akiyo, 31 July 2014 - 07:21 AM.


#19 SpleenBeGone

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Posted 31 July 2014 - 07:31 AM

Yes. I keep cookies stocked. >.>


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#20 fae

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Posted 31 July 2014 - 01:09 PM

That's the amazing thing about working in a small office where everyone knows each other... there is chocolate cake at least twice a week  B)  ^_^


Et j'aime la nuit écouter les étoiles. C'est comme cinq cent millions de grelots. - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry