Warning: sex, bdsm, rape?
Before I start I want to mention that my boyfriend and I have a somewhat bdsm relationship. Usually we have rough sex that involves choking, rope, dirty talk, spanking, slapping and we've talked about doing more when we get our own place with more privacy. I don't mind, that stuff really turns me on when I'm in the mood but this and what he's doing now are two different things.
A couple summers ago we briefly broke up over him fingering me in my sleep. The first time it happened I sort of pretended to be asleep to see what he was doing. Eventually he stopped and I went back to sleep and decided to let it go. After a few more times I told him I knew what he was doing and I was uncomfortable with it and I wanted him to stop. He said he would, and then I caught him in the act again and broke up with him. Eventually we got back together because I missed him and he promised he wouldn't do it again.
I think he has a fetish for this kind of stuff. I discovered he really liked the idea of me passing out during sex, so I started to pretend to pass out from an intense orgasm occasionally during sex. I thought it was the idea of giving me so much pleasure that I passed out that turned him on but the past couple times I've done it he starts really getting into it, going so hard it almost hurts and saying some really nasty things like that he loves fucking my unconscious body. In a way it kind of turned me on but to be honest when he started saying things like that it just made me uncomfortable, it really opened my eyes to what's really going on inside his head.
I've become really busy over the past few months so I've become more of a heavy sleeper. I had to turn up my alarm and startle myself awake or I'd sleep through it, and now I think he is taking advantage of that fact. Around 3am Friday night I woke up to full on unprotected penis-in-vagina sex. I wasn't awake to say yes or no or if it hurt or if I had forgotten to take the pill the past couple days (which I did). The worst part to me was I was only half awake when I realized what was going on and when I showed signs of actually waking up, he stopped and instead pretended he was just humping me in his sleep. He knew it was wrong and that I didn't like it but he did it anyway. And the more I think about that, the angrier I get.
I knew he was awake and I asked him what he was doing, he apologized and said he just woke up horny and couldn't help it. The past few days I haven't been very affectionate with him, and because I've been so busy we don't have as much sex as we used to, so I felt bad and I let him finish with a condom on, he full on knew I wasn't in the mood but he took me up on the offer. After he finished so I can go back to sleep he said "I'm sorry for being a nuisance." which really hit a nerve. When I was on the bus going to work the next morning, I was conflicted, feeling awful because I took the "I'm sorry for being a nuisance" for him feeling bad for begging for affection and feeling unloved. On the bus back from work, I was instead pissed that he said that, as if what he had done wasn't rape and instead a bother. It was only then that I realized that what he was doing was full on rape, and who knows how many times he had actually done it without me waking up.
I still feel somewhat conflicted when I think about it because we did talk about a master/slave relationship in the future when we have more privacy, and isn't that a part of it? Being ready for it and doing the things that he wants? That's not right though, a bdsm relationship is about trust and love and knowing that the other person has your best interests and safety in mind with everything you both do, not this. I made a point not to talk to him all day yesterday and slept in the guest room last night. I'm waiting for him to wake up so I can talk to him, but I don't know if we can come back from this one. He knowingly broke my trust.
Then the other part of me is afraid to break up. I love him a lot and he loves me. He cares about me a lot and gets really worried when I get sick or super stressed out. He cooks awesome meals and is otherwise such a good boyfriend that some people get jealous. Every other aspect of our relationship is great and I can see a future with him but this completely ruins my image of any future.
Anyway, I don't know. I'm sorry to dump this on you, it's pretty heavy. I just felt the need to type out my feelings.
