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THE DEPRESSION THREAD

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#121 Mister Sympa

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Posted 02 May 2014 - 03:40 PM

I'm glad to hear that. It can be easy for some people to underestimate how important friends are.


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#122 Bowsette

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Posted 04 May 2014 - 09:30 PM

Lately I've been feeling down, because I'm starting to wonder if I am who I think I am. I look at my hobbies and I start to ask myself, am I really enjoying them? Do they actually bring me pleasure? Or am I simply doing them because they pass the time until I can sleep and let the void take over for a few hours, before getting up to do it all again. I feel so apathetic towards everything lately, even my own friends. There's a voice in the back of my head that continually asks me if they're really friends. It feels like I'm both maturing and become more immature in comparison to them, because despite "having my life together" I still feel like a child. A stupid, know-nothing child. Most of my "friends" spend most of their time going to bars and partying, but that just isn't me. I could never get into that kind of lifestyle, and I think overall it created a void between myself and other people. I'm extremely introverted as it is, thankfully I'm able to put up a facade for my work, otherwise I'd be screwed entirely. But I really struggle with people outside of a close circle, and I completely shut down around people I don't know. At my taijutsu class meet I think I've talked to one person aside from the instructor, aside from that I stay silent even when partnered off.

 

I know part of my problem is down to stress, and the thing that makes me feel the most helpless is that I can't solve the issues that are stressing me out. One of them is to do with my ex still attending social gatherings held by my family, because they still like him and think he's a lovely, salt of the earth sort of person who "made one mistake". The mistake of course being destroying our relationship and smugly informing me of his infidelity and true opinions of me. Apparently that should just all be let go and forgotten because he's "a nice boy". The other reason is one that I definitely can't alter at the present moment in time, my partner's ex refusing to pay for his child. As a result it's putting stress on my partner, and in turn it's getting to me because there's absolutely nothing I can do to help. All I can do is be there, which leads me to yet another issue getting me down; I simply don't know how to handle other people's problems anymore. I used to be the one people went to for help, regarding anything and everything. Relationships, medical issues, social/work problems, for some reason people would always come to me for advice, or to ask my opinion on something. And I'd give it, despite not knowing how to handle their situations, because I was afraid something bad would happen if I didn't. But if something bad happened and I had tried to help, at least I could've said I attempted.

 

But now, I just don't know what to say. To anybody. The few people who've asked my opinion lately have either ignored my advice, or just gotten mad at me because I don't have the answers. It makes me feel small, and useless. I can't help anybody, I can't protect anybody, I can't fight their battles and I can't support them. I constantly feel like a failure, and that's when the real darkness sets in. I'm suddenly alone in a pitch-black realm with seemingly no escape. I'm just so lost, and too afraid to get professional help because I've done it before, and it didn't work. The counseling was a waste of time because it triggered my fears; a rather secluded wing of the hospital with barely anybody else around. It made me uncomfortable, and as a result I wasn't able to open up and talk about what made me feel the way I did, or the reasons I tried to commit suicide. No amount of talking to the psychiatrist, nor any of his probing into it, would allow me to let it out. So after every visit I just left feeling more alone than ever. The drugs never worked properly, they either exacerbated other medical conditions I suffer from or caused bigger issues than they should have. The majority of my serious suicidal attempts were made while taking medication to supposedly stop that from happening, so I'm apprehensive and I don't want to go back on them again. I still have some, but I can't take them. 

 

All in all, my apathy has reached a fever pitch. Despite my past, I was always afraid of dying. No matter how much I wanted to, the thought still worried me to an extent. But lately I've caught myself thinking offhand that I wouldn't mind. I feel like I just exist in a half-life, and that even dying would be an emotion apart from indifference, and that maybe it would fix the detachment I've been feeling.

 

It's stupid that I can't even cry over it anymore. 


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#123 Affray

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Posted 04 May 2014 - 11:06 PM

I completely understand the whole savior of all deal, and it is a particularly raw one.

I too am knowledgeable in enough fields, positive enough in personality, and solid enough emotionally and mentally to give advice and shoulder the collective emotional weight of a great many people in my life. Sometimes I feel my legs buckle under the strain, but no matter how low I go I always pull myself through because I know that if I fail, they all fail, and I will not let that happen.

 

Some people are not capable of being the Atlas of everyone's collective world.

I think you are.

I genuinely do.

 

That being said, it is not your obligation to do anything for anyone else if they do not appreciate the effort or do nothing to solve their own problems.

It is a natural reflex for them to blame you for not bailing them out, but that doesn't make it something that should be tolerated.

The people who deserve your aide or genuinely need it will be the ones who take it with gusto and love you for it.

The rest are simply scared and confused lost souls trying to get a grasp on an answer to their qualms that they wish could be just handed to them.

I try not to hold much against these ones, because they are just as befuddled as we weight bearers, only they don't have the stubborn inclination that they can handle anything and take care of everyone. Sometimes we have to take a step back and think only of ourselves, regardless of how shitty it may feel in the moment to just let everyone who depends hang in the wind.

 

When I find my way back to this place during my travels through the internet I always enjoy reading what you have to say, regardless of the topic.

You sometimes have a dark edge to your words, obviously influenced by whatever is weighing on you that day, but there is always an air of knowledge and conviction to what you say that appeals to me.

 

Sometimes the universe sees fit to really pile it on, which is when we have to push back the hardest.

 

If you ever want to talk about stuff or unload some weight in a not so public place, you are more than welcome to PM me any time.

I know I am just a mildly charming Canadian who knows his way around a dictionary, but if I can help, I will.


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#124 Coconut Man

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Posted 05 May 2014 - 01:53 PM

If you ever want to talk about stuff or unload some weight in a not so public place, you are more than welcome to PM me any time.

I agree with this. If any of you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I doubt I could be of much use, but I'm there.


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#125 Mister Sympa

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Posted 05 May 2014 - 01:55 PM

Besides saying (once again) that I disgustingly agree and want to bang the table with the sheer amount of agreement that I have for every fucking thing Affray just said, I wanted to share my own experiences with psych meds.

 

They weren't good.

 

I was on a few different things trying to combat my anxiety attacks, and they, in the best cases, did nothing, and in the worst cases, caused more attacks. It got so bad, it was actually one of the reasons I lost a previous job. I would just lose my mind and shake and cry and hyperventilate and have to be taken home. The meds (all three varieties) were utterly useless or disastrous.

 

I found that my best solution was non-medicinal. I needed to work through my problems mentally, and use things like chamomile tea if necessary.

 

What I am NOT, by ANY MEANS, saying is that I think this is the solution for you. That is NOT what I mean.

 

My point is that I understand how double-edged and unpredictable meds can be, and I sympathize with the disappointment that can stem from being handed a "solution" and discovering with terror that it is another problem.

 

Best of luck, Xiao. I hope, above all else, that you can find your light and strength, and that you feel better.


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#126 gr3yh4m3

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Posted 06 May 2014 - 04:50 AM

If you ever want to talk about stuff or unload some weight in a not so public place, you are more than welcome to PM me any time.

I agree with this. If any of you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I doubt I could be of much use, but I'm there.

Likewise. I know I'm not that well known here, but I just thought I'd put it out there as well. You guys are cool and I'd genuinely love to help any way I can.


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#127 SushiKitten

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Posted 06 May 2014 - 11:24 AM

Affray has a way of putting how we all feel into words. 

 

I hope things get better for you. You've definitely gone through some shit and I can't even try to comprehend what you've been through. And although sometimes we may seem like just blocks of text, but we're all people behind these screens and we all consider you a dear friend. 



#128 Calvary

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Posted 06 May 2014 - 02:48 PM

When I go to Kentucky I'll kidnap you and we will ride around the mid-west/ south together shitting fuck up.


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#129 Affray

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Posted 06 May 2014 - 05:16 PM

welp, here I am again.

 

Lately, things have been very rough for me. From health problems, to family problems, to house problems. It seems I just can't catch a break.

 

In addition to these things, I've been very isolated. Thanks to my situation, I had to move 4 hours from my closest friends. Now we live on different schedules and I can almost never contact them, while they make no attempts to contact me. Meanwhile, trying to talk over my problems with my internet friends has felt pointless; I can't contact most of my close friends anymore, and those I can contact make me feel like we're not even really talking, but they're just agreeing with me until I stop talking and they can talk about themselves again.

 

So, now I can't help buy feel like almost all my close friends are gone, and I'm just living a lonely, day-to-day struggle. Feeling like this is making me bitter and antisocial, further cementing my fate as a lonely, bitter asshole.

 

 

 

and that's one to grow on.

Most people don't really listen, they just wait for their turn to talk.

Especially if they haven't spoken to you in a while.

Then they have all these new stories that you weren't there for and they feel the need to share.

Sometimes they only talk because they are self centered, sometimes it is because you are the only one to talk to them and they are just as lonely.


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#130 cassXgoesXmeow

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Posted 06 May 2014 - 05:28 PM

Most people don't really listen, they just wait for their turn to talk.

Especially if they haven't spoken to you in a while.

Then they have all these new stories that you weren't there for and they feel the need to share.

Sometimes they only talk because they are self centered, sometimes it is because you are the only one to talk to them and they are just as lonely.

 

I agree with you 100%. A lot of people say they are "good listeners" but most of them just want to talk and most of the time they just talk at you, not to  you.  If you do come across good listeners in your life hold on to them because they are a precious gift.


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#131 Affray

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Posted 06 May 2014 - 08:15 PM

I will gladly sit under a tree and eat grapes all day whilst doling out what little words of wisdom that I possess.

We should also probably acknowledge that Gol is remarkably akin to Loki, Robstar to Dionysus, and Spleen to Hephaestus.


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#132 Silver_rose

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Posted 07 May 2014 - 04:52 AM

My depression has resurfaced again.

 

My mind keeps coming back to the idea that everything awful that has been said to me is accurate and all the things that have been done to spiral me into my depression is deserved.

I don't know if anyone has ever had this or not, but every time I have a low moment I feel like a pretender, like I'm just faking this for attention and I should just get over it... It makes me even more depressed and the spiral just gets deeper.

 

I just want to crawl into bed and do nothing but cry and sleep. I hate existing when I feel like this.

 


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#133 Calvary

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Posted 07 May 2014 - 04:52 AM

Suck it Wolf, I fucked a horse.

 

e: @Rose, you shouldn't ever feel like you're putting it on. As far as I understand the biggest initial obstacle for people seeking help for their depression is that they feel like they aren't unhappy enough to be clinically depressed. The matter of fact is that if you're upset more than you're happy then something's wrong. I can't tell you to just ignore the bad things people say because I'm sure it's not as easy as that but from what I've seen of you, you're very kind and understanding not to mention cute to boot! I say fuck those people. >.>


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#134 Silver_rose

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Posted 07 May 2014 - 04:58 AM

Thank you Gol, that's nice of you to say


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#135 Calvary

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Posted 07 May 2014 - 04:59 AM

I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true! :)


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#136 Affray

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Posted 07 May 2014 - 03:40 PM

My depression has resurfaced again.

 

My mind keeps coming back to the idea that everything awful that has been said to me is accurate and all the things that have been done to spiral me into my depression is deserved.

I don't know if anyone has ever had this or not, but every time I have a low moment I feel like a pretender, like I'm just faking this for attention and I should just get over it... It makes me even more depressed and the spiral just gets deeper.

 

I just want to crawl into bed and do nothing but cry and sleep. I hate existing when I feel like this.

 

I know at least a handful of people who have the same outlook on their situation.

It is a fairly logical step to look at yourself and see if what people are saying about you is true, but not always a fruitful one.

Usually when someone throws around hateful things their intention is to hurt their target, so of course they are going to say some heinous, terrible things.

The sufferers I know at one point or another had themselves convinced that it was their fault that people seemed to not like them and said/did shitty things, which in every case was not, well, the case.

 

"If I didn't act like such a wimp people wouldn't walk all over me, so maybe I deserve it for being so easily pushed"

 

Blaming yourself for the ignorance of others is not the way to go.

Sometimes people are just assholes, through and through and they are not worth your time or anguish.

 

If you were pretending to feel the way you feel, wouldn't it be a snap to just stop feeling that way?

Which you can't, so it must be real.

There is never any shame in trying everything you can to get your head in the right place, regardless of how small you may make your problems seem in your own head. Again, I have seen friends neglect addressing their emotional issues because they had seen other people in worse situations than their own and immediately doubted that their problems were of high enough caliber to warrant any outside help or attention at all.

 

The bottom line is, if you have something that is affecting your day to day life in a regular basis in a negative way, it is definitely something that should be addressed and remedied in any way you can.

 

In your time here I have not seen anything to hint that you would deserve any hateful words being slung in your direction, so I am thinking that these people in your life who have done so are nothing more than petty children who like to sling mud when they don't know what else to do.


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#137 Mister Sympa

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Posted 11 May 2014 - 05:28 PM

I've also been dealing with some heavy shit lately and been debating whether to unload on a shoulder. Affray is pretty much the only human being I would trust enough to tell the truth and ask advice from who doesn't already know me in person and know everything involved.

 

We are either way more honest than other groups of people I've interacted with, or -- no, never mind. We seem to trust each other enough for honesty, and that's pretty fucking cool.


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#138 Affray

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Posted 11 May 2014 - 09:12 PM

I've also been dealing with some heavy shit lately and been debating whether to unload on a shoulder. Affray is pretty much the only human being I would trust enough to tell the truth and ask advice from who doesn't already know me in person and know everything involved.

 

We are either way more honest than other groups of people I've interacted with, or -- no, never mind. We seem to trust each other enough for honesty, and that's pretty fucking cool.

I am honoured.

 

I think that we all just have the best intentions for one another.

It is a natural step to seek the continued preservation of fellow members of your clan.


It is perfectly acceptable to fear and admire a being you could not possibly understand.


#139 Sethre

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Posted 11 May 2014 - 09:28 PM

I've also been dealing with some heavy shit lately and been debating whether to unload on a shoulder. Affray is pretty much the only human being I would trust enough to tell the truth and ask advice from who doesn't already know me in person and know everything involved.

 

We are either way more honest than other groups of people I've interacted with, or -- no, never mind. We seem to trust each other enough for honesty, and that's pretty fucking cool.

I actually have to agree with this 100%. Affray is probably the most open-minded and unjudgemental person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He also always has a wise word to throw in when needed.

 

Plus he's form Canada.


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#140 Mister Sympa

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Posted 13 May 2014 - 06:12 PM

You forgot "wise as fuck."


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