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#21 Calvary

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Posted 17 September 2013 - 03:15 PM

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#22 SushiKitten

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Posted 18 September 2013 - 03:38 AM

Since this thread is still around, mind if I ask some advice from you wonderful people?

I've been with my boyfriend for just about two years. He's a year older than me, but he's been struggling with secondary education, he's tried his hand at this for three years now and came back with nothing. He's having problems at home, no support from his family, constantly being bothered. They're the kind to yell at him to study while he's studying. Right now he's left with no computer, no access to internet or video games as his mom took it away thinking he'd get better grades that way. He stays out at the university late now to not only study, but to get away from his family.

Anyway, my point is it's been driving him insane living at home and he decided to drop out of university and just move out, get a minimum wage job as his mom would probably cut off his education fund if he left home. He'd rather save up for something himself, he doesn't quite know what he wants yet and that lack of direction probably contributed to his bad grades. I do want him to get something, I want to date someone who can afford to do some things with me, I don't want to be paying for everything all the time. I think we could still work through this though.

I offered that we get an apartment together, and I talked it over with my dad, who I'm living with now. Anyway, two years, and now I realize that my parents don't approve of this guy. They think he'd grow up to be a mooch, that I will be making a lot of money after university and I have a 'bright future' and that I won't be able to get that if I keep dating this guy.

I've since then decided not to get an apartment with him, but now I can't stop thinking about that. I was really happy with my relationship and now that I know my parents don't approve I'm kind of stuck. I really wanted a family like the one I grew up with, my mom's side and my dad's side are like best friends. And now my other insecurities about this guy are coming to light. I don't know whether to wait it out and just see how him moving out will change our relationship or be honest with him and just talk over it all. I don't want to break up with him but I'm also afriad that my parents are right and that I am wasting my time.

#23 Champion of Cyrodiil

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Posted 18 September 2013 - 06:24 AM

Since this thread is still around, mind if I ask some advice from you wonderful people?

I've been with my boyfriend for just about two years. He's a year older than me, but he's been struggling with secondary education, he's tried his hand at this for three years now and came back with nothing. He's having problems at home, no support from his family, constantly being bothered. They're the kind to yell at him to study while he's studying. Right now he's left with no computer, no access to internet or video games as his mom took it away thinking he'd get better grades that way. He stays out at the university late now to not only study, but to get away from his family.

Anyway, my point is it's been driving him insane living at home and he decided to drop out of university and just move out, get a minimum wage job as his mom would probably cut off his education fund if he left home. He'd rather save up for something himself, he doesn't quite know what he wants yet and that lack of direction probably contributed to his bad grades. I do want him to get something, I want to date someone who can afford to do some things with me, I don't want to be paying for everything all the time. I think we could still work through this though.

I offered that we get an apartment together, and I talked it over with my dad, who I'm living with now. Anyway, two years, and now I realize that my parents don't approve of this guy. They think he'd grow up to be a mooch, that I will be making a lot of money after university and I have a 'bright future' and that I won't be able to get that if I keep dating this guy.

I've since then decided not to get an apartment with him, but now I can't stop thinking about that. I was really happy with my relationship and now that I know my parents don't approve I'm kind of stuck. I really wanted a family like the one I grew up with, my mom's side and my dad's side are like best friends. And now my other insecurities about this guy are coming to light. I don't know whether to wait it out and just see how him moving out will change our relationship or be honest with him and just talk over it all. I don't want to break up with him but I'm also afriad that my parents are right and that I am wasting my time.

 

In my experience people don't change, no matter how long you date and wait.  Doubts grow stronger and stronger, and the last thing you want to do is find yourself another year or two down the road in the same situation.

 

Education does not always represent salary (statistically it can).  A prime example would be my girlfriend having 2 degrees, while I have none, and her making less money than I do. (~80% less!)  I often get annoyed at what I call her, "Lack of motivation to start a career".  IMO, its unlikely you'll make a lot of money out of the gate.  It usually takes years of experience in a field before you can start demanding a high paying salary.  So the sooner you start, the better.

 

My family will never get along with anyone else's family.  It's just too small, scattered and eccentric.  So you're on your own there.  But honestly, you're the one living with this person, not your family.

 

I think it's good that he is taking the initiative to move out on his own.  That is a big step and is an important in order to establish some kind of independence.  So you should give him some credit for that.  Especially if he has never lived away from home.

 

All in all, if you take the money and education issues out of your post, it really boils down to the same issues we all have with our relationships.  Do I want to be with this person forever?  What will the family think?  Why do I have to do all the work in this relationship? etc.  My advice is to do some soul searching.  If you still have doubts, take a break.  Go out on a date with some guys that fit your picture of ideal.  Shouldn't take long to determine if you want him back or if you want to move on.

 

Oh, and once you move in together, there is really no escape.



#24 Rickie

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Posted 18 September 2013 - 07:35 AM

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#25 SushiKitten

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Posted 18 September 2013 - 09:05 AM

In my experience people don't change, no matter how long you date and wait. Doubts grow stronger and stronger, and the last thing you want to do is find yourself another year or two down the road in the same situation.

Education does not always represent salary (statistically it can). A prime example would be my girlfriend having 2 degrees, while I have none, and her making less money than I do. (~80% less!) I often get annoyed at what I call her, "Lack of motivation to start a career". IMO, its unlikely you'll make a lot of money out of the gate. It usually takes years of experience in a field before you can start demanding a high paying salary. So the sooner you start, the better.

My family will never get along with anyone else's family. It's just too small, scattered and eccentric. So you're on your own there. But honestly, you're the one living with this person, not your family.

I think it's good that he is taking the initiative to move out on his own. That is a big step and is an important in order to establish some kind of independence. So you should give him some credit for that. Especially if he has never lived away from home.

All in all, if you take the money and education issues out of your post, it really boils down to the same issues we all have with our relationships. Do I want to be with this person forever? What will the family think? Why do I have to do all the work in this relationship? etc. My advice is to do some soul searching. If you still have doubts, take a break. Go out on a date with some guys that fit your picture of ideal. Shouldn't take long to determine if you want him back or if you want to move on.

Oh, and once you move in together, there is really no escape.

Thanks Cyrodiil, this is truly the first real relationship I really had, maybe I do need to take a step back and see other people.

I don't think I'm going to take a break though. In the end it'd be dating other guys to see what's out there and I think it's rude and disrespectful to call it 'taking a break' and expect him to wait and see if I'll 'settle' for him.. I might as well make it a clean break.

Its just difficult because we are both executives of the anime club so we will still end up seeing each other

#26 Calvary

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Posted 18 September 2013 - 10:32 AM

Well now hang on a minute. You're in a relationship which means being open with your partner, before you give up give the guy a chance and speak to him, work out any problems you might have and tell him about how your parents perceive him, people don't usually make a judgement without a grain of truth. Most being the key word, though. There's nothing wrong with having a talk, he is the one you've chosen to attach yourself to for the last couple years after all.


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#27 Affray

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Posted 18 September 2013 - 12:31 PM

Definitely talk it out with the guy.

Maybe leave out the bit about your parents not approving of him.

Trust me when I say he will never, ever trust them or want to be near them ever again if he knows this.

Your parents on the other hand may end up liking him just fine in the long run.

He can earn their welcome, they cannot remove his animosity if he finds out they think you could do better and should leave him.

If the guy makes you happy, and isn't a piece of shit, then you are already two steps ahead of most relationships.

I understand parents wanting their kids to be happy/comfortable in life, but sometimes they are too picky with who they think their child's mate should be.

 

Though I understand being wary of the guy's financial situation, it shouldn't be a large part of your reasons for choosing him.

He is obviously in a shitty and convoluted place in life right now, and you are both pretty young.

Just because things aren't laid out in front of you so you can rest easy with the future doesn't mean that his financial future is just as bleak as it may be now.

As in any normal relationship, there will be times when you support him and times when he supports you.

If you continue to support him and he makes no effort to bring anything to the table, then yes perhaps he is not worth the effort.

But that isn't something you can perceive until it happens, or doesn't.

 

Again, just talk to the guy.

Before you talk to your parents.

He has to be the first person you discuss any of this business with, as it is directly his business and no one else's.


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#28 Champion of Cyrodiil

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Posted 18 September 2013 - 12:51 PM

i did miss that point. i assumed you were already open with him about your concerns. so you should def. talk it out first. and that goes for any relationship. money and communication are the two biggest reasons relationships fail or succeed.

however, i'm of the opinion that if someone leaves you, and you didnt see it coming... thats probably the reason you got left to begin with. almost any rational person with decent social skills should be able to determine where they stand in their partners eyes.(and their parents for that matter) if not, its probably a bad match anyway.

however, you should consider your feelings first. even if others make you out to be the bad guy. i find that often all the excuses you come up with for breaking off a relationship are just those... excuses. to make yourself feel better about the inevitable choice youve already subconciously made. that you dont want to be with that person. anything beyond that is just BSing yourself.

although youre young, be careful. its too easy to fall into the trap of leaving a relationship because its too hard. quitting once makes it easier the next time. and before you know it, you might find yourself lacking the ability to commit, and being a 35 year old woman with a 6 figure salary, regretting that you never had kids or a husband.

life has a lot of hard lessons. just make sure you take a day or so to think about any decision you make.

#29 Guest_ElatedOwl_*

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Posted 18 September 2013 - 01:49 PM

Since this thread is still around, mind if I ask some advice from you wonderful people?

I've been with my boyfriend for just about two years. He's a year older than me, but he's been struggling with secondary education, he's tried his hand at this for three years now and came back with nothing. He's having problems at home, no support from his family, constantly being bothered. They're the kind to yell at him to study while he's studying. Right now he's left with no computer, no access to internet or video games as his mom took it away thinking he'd get better grades that way. He stays out at the university late now to not only study, but to get away from his family.

Anyway, my point is it's been driving him insane living at home and he decided to drop out of university and just move out, get a minimum wage job as his mom would probably cut off his education fund if he left home. He'd rather save up for something himself, he doesn't quite know what he wants yet and that lack of direction probably contributed to his bad grades. I do want him to get something, I want to date someone who can afford to do some things with me, I don't want to be paying for everything all the time. I think we could still work through this though.

I offered that we get an apartment together, and I talked it over with my dad, who I'm living with now. Anyway, two years, and now I realize that my parents don't approve of this guy. They think he'd grow up to be a mooch, that I will be making a lot of money after university and I have a 'bright future' and that I won't be able to get that if I keep dating this guy.

I've since then decided not to get an apartment with him, but now I can't stop thinking about that. I was really happy with my relationship and now that I know my parents don't approve I'm kind of stuck. I really wanted a family like the one I grew up with, my mom's side and my dad's side are like best friends. And now my other insecurities about this guy are coming to light. I don't know whether to wait it out and just see how him moving out will change our relationship or be honest with him and just talk over it all. I don't want to break up with him but I'm also afriad that my parents are right and that I am wasting my time.

 

Getting a minimum wage job to move out on his own is pretty much the opposite of being a mooch. The whole "you have to go to school" stigma is stupid. If you're unsure about your life and where you're headed why dump a bunch of money into an education that you either don't care about (poor grades, family is not an excuse for that) or will end up disliking what you can do with it?

 

fwiw I moved out the summer I graduated with a minimum wage not even 40/hour a week job. I went to a semester of community college, decided I hated it and quit to work full time instead and try to figure my life out a little. I'm 22 now (4 years later) and I'm at a job I like making good money (and have been for ~2 years). Honestly, working for minimum wage is one of the most motivating experiences I've ever had (read: "I've got to figure something the fuck out so I can get out of here") and had I gone through with school I don't think I'd be in as good as a place as I am now.

 

As far as the actual relationship portion goes, there's only two things you can ask of someone in a relationship: respect and honesty (which really comes from respecting them anyway). Sleep on it, if everything going on is still hugely problematic for you have an adult, rational conversation with him about it. Keep in mind things are sketchy for him right now so there's a good chance emotions will get the best of him; just keep a cool head and be calm about it.

 

Do your parents know this guy well enough to make a good assessment? Are they usually a good judge of character? If the answer to both of those is yes they're probably right, but it's still your decision to make.

 

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Edited by emosaurusrex, 18 September 2013 - 09:00 PM.


#30 Silver_rose

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Posted 18 September 2013 - 08:44 PM

Getting a minimum wage job to move out on his own is pretty much the opposite of being a mooch.

First and only thing I read and it's bang on the mark, so I'm gonna assume everything else he says I agree with and say -

"What dis guy said"


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#31 Kobbi

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Posted 19 September 2013 - 10:21 PM

I ended up texting her and made her curious enough where I had to tell her I liked her. She said I am more a brother than anything so I guess that is okay


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#32 Sethre

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Posted 19 September 2013 - 10:25 PM

I ended up texting her and made her curious enough where I had to tell her I liked her. She said I am more a brother than anything so I guess that is okay

Well, I cant say that was the best idea, but lesson learned for next time.


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#33 Affray

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Posted 19 September 2013 - 10:26 PM

I ended up texting her and made her curious enough where I had to tell her I liked her. She said I am more a brother than anything so I guess that is okay

That saddens me.


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#34 The Robstar

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Posted 20 September 2013 - 03:51 AM

Since this thread is still around, mind if I ask some advice from you wonderful people?

I've been with my boyfriend for just about two years. He's a year older than me, but he's been struggling with secondary education, he's tried his hand at this for three years now and came back with nothing. He's having problems at home, no support from his family, constantly being bothered. They're the kind to yell at him to study while he's studying. Right now he's left with no computer, no access to internet or video games as his mom took it away thinking he'd get better grades that way. He stays out at the university late now to not only study, but to get away from his family.

Anyway, my point is it's been driving him insane living at home and he decided to drop out of university and just move out, get a minimum wage job as his mom would probably cut off his education fund if he left home. He'd rather save up for something himself, he doesn't quite know what he wants yet and that lack of direction probably contributed to his bad grades. I do want him to get something, I want to date someone who can afford to do some things with me, I don't want to be paying for everything all the time. I think we could still work through this though.

I offered that we get an apartment together, and I talked it over with my dad, who I'm living with now. Anyway, two years, and now I realize that my parents don't approve of this guy. They think he'd grow up to be a mooch, that I will be making a lot of money after university and I have a 'bright future' and that I won't be able to get that if I keep dating this guy.

I've since then decided not to get an apartment with him, but now I can't stop thinking about that. I was really happy with my relationship and now that I know my parents don't approve I'm kind of stuck. I really wanted a family like the one I grew up with, my mom's side and my dad's side are like best friends. And now my other insecurities about this guy are coming to light. I don't know whether to wait it out and just see how him moving out will change our relationship or be honest with him and just talk over it all. I don't want to break up with him but I'm also afriad that my parents are right and that I am wasting my time.

 

One thing that I've learned over the years is that University aint for everybody. 98% of my first year friends didn't even make it past 1st year. 

 

But I will say this, don't structure your life around anybody other then yourself. As harsh as it sounds, it's the truth. 

 

Don't feel compelled to stick with your mans, people grow apart ya know.

 

That's all I have to say.


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#35 Kobbi

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Posted 04 October 2013 - 06:12 PM

Okay so apparently the only reason she treated me in that way was because she felt bad for me because she thought another girl made me feel lower about myself (when she didn't) so now I'm just like now what. I found this out through a friend I still haven't talked verbally to her in almost a month by next friday. I'm so weak :( ...


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#36 Calvary

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Posted 05 October 2013 - 02:40 AM

Just drop the whole thing and move on, dude. There's nothing to be gained at all from following any of this up. Infatuation narrows your vision when really, the whole 'plenty more fish in the sea' thing is very much true.


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#37 Champion of Cyrodiil

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Posted 05 October 2013 - 07:00 AM

maybe see a therapist about confidence issues