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Scenario for a game I want to make - critiques are appriciated


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#1 DeadChannel

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Posted 26 June 2013 - 06:47 PM

So, I have been thinking about making a jrpg/adventure game, and I wrote a story. I am not a particularly good writer, but this is just a scenario. Tell me what you think

 

                Aurora had once been a peaceful continent, not that anyone could remember quite when. It was home to four races all of whom had partaken in this so called “peace”. During this time, there was little blood spilt, and high technology had reigned supreme.

                Alas, peace cannot last forever, and corruption spreads like wildfire through tall grass. Each of the nations had its own tale of how the war had begun.

                The Elves claimed it to be the doing of men, scheming in their castles tall; they had made sport of storming each of the elvish capitals, 9 in total not counting el’gorath, which had been   long abandoned.

                 Man, in turn blamed all of the evil that had befallen this fair land on the elvish high counsel, who had ordered the poisoning of rivers leading into their farmland, causing great famine for nigh upon a decade.

                The high wolves held no quarrel with either side for long, and often switched their allegiance. However, this had caused rifts between clans, and they were at constant war amongst themselves. There was scarcely a season without bloodshed in some of the greatest clans.

                The Shadow had watched as these petty quarrels unfolded, and they had retreated into the northern mountains, far from the reach of their enemies. Here, in icy isolation, hatred and fear of the outside world had bred in their hearts after several centuries.

                Yet, unbeknownst to any of the nations, an unknown enemy was brooding, a threat that had been spawned by the war effort of both sides. The Mechan army was made up of thinking machines, that had been created to serve as soldiers, but they had grown a little too intelligent, so they had tried to kill their creators. It was thought that they all had been destroyed, but a few had escaped, and the Mechans tend to spread in the same way that corruption and wildfire do.


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#2 Jaz

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Posted 26 June 2013 - 09:52 PM

I'll be totally honest, because you can't make progress if I just sugar-coat it and tell you it's great.

 

 

I think it's cliche. There are some creative ideas in there, but they've been sandbagged with generic, cliche story tools.



#3 Kirihime Natsuno

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Posted 26 June 2013 - 10:50 PM

I'll be totally honest, because you can't make progress if I just sugar-coat it and tell you it's great.

 

 

I think it's cliche. There are some creative ideas in there, but they've been sandbagged with generic, cliche story tools.

This, basically. Cliché doesn't exactly mean it's bad, but it's the same story you'll find just about anywhere. If you want it to stand out, you need to have some unique aspects.


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#4 SIlhouette

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 01:25 AM

I was thinking it was very cliche also, started off as FF4 then became lord of the rings and then back to FF and finally Issac Asimov. At the same time though I was not expecting the jump into the Asimov or even Robert Heinlein universe and since no one can ever come up with a truly unique idea the cross could be worth looking into. I think it does need a lot more work and you shouldn't be afraid of trying newish things and seeing how they could work but don't take that as a discouragement. :)



#5 The Robstar

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 02:53 AM

To be totally honest I started reading it and became bored by the end of the first paragraph. 

 

People try make their game as complicated as possible. I think simplicity is the key.

 

I don't really care if the stone elves conjured a sacred spell that can only be broken by the blood of a virgin princess, who was locked in a castle by her father who had made a deal with an evil sorcerer who ultimately ended up killing the family of your main character whose memory was wiped by the traumatic experience but suddenly remembered everything once he had attained the sacred sword of Buganininaganuga....   


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#6 No-Danico

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 05:25 PM

To be totally honest I started reading it and became bored by the end of the first paragraph. 

 

People try make their game as complicated as possible. I think simplicity is the key.

 

I don't really care if the stone elves conjured a sacred spell that can only be broken by the blood of a virgin princess, who was locked in a castle by her father who had made a deal with an evil sorcerer who ultimately ended up killing the family of your main character whose memory was wiped by the traumatic experience but suddenly remembered everything once he had attained the sacred sword of Buganininaganuga....   

 

Elven titties!  That should wake him up.

 

Spend some time on tvtropes to get an idea of the difference between a boring cliché and a comfortable trope. While I agree that you should try new things, (like elves poisoning nature. That's a fair subversion there) the sad fact is that stereotypical stuff like elves and dwarfs sell. If you're inexperienced in writing then it might be easier to use these kinds of things. When you say 'elf' people instantly have an image in their mind, know how they should act. You say 'a dwarf stood holding an ax,' they can easily grasp the image. Don't go overboard with the epic story, just focus on the characters and let the big stuff play in the background. 


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